Mary Kamau

“What’s it like dating the perfect guy?”

I was randomly asked this question by a friend of mine.

My immediate response?

Laughter.

But I did promise to do a post in response.

Since then dating the perfect guy has turned into being married to him. [Read it took almost a year to respond O_o.]

So Karomo, here you go.  [And thank you for your patience. 🙂 ]

The reason I laughed when you asked me this question is because I thought about all the crazy arguments the Mister and I had been having recently and the imperfection of it all. The irony that you would look at us and of all the adjectives, perfect is what came to mind.

But in order to understand how I got here, I need to tell you where I came from.

I was never one for dating much. Mostly because the whole process seemed off to me. Meet some random person. Feel each other out – figuratively or literally depending on your inhibition levels. Depending on how that pans out, decide whether to continue feeling each other out. Then what? Feel each other out “forever”? Feel each other out until one or both of you gets tired of all the feels? Get married? Just go with the flow until whenever whatever happens?

Am I the only one who sees the absurdity in this?

A semi-drunk guy who was hitting on me one sunny Saturday morning happened to remark that – “This is how things are done…”. *insert side-eye followed by eye-roll* I couldn’t tell whether his inebriation was from the aftermath of a long night out or an early morning in. But I understood what he was saying – this is the way of the world. And yet, the way of the world wasn’t doing much for me.

For someone who loves some semblance of control and greatly values her heart, this kind of chance dating was all out of whack. All fairytales and movies aside, relying on kismet for my “happy ever after” didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t reconcile the idea of playing pata potea with my heart. The few times I tried – because how will you find someone if you don’t put yourself out there (absolute hogwash, I now call it) – I either got bored, burned or both.

By the time I was encountering my semi-drunk acquaintance, I was in a season where I needed all my focus and energy for myself so dating wasn’t anywhere on my list of priorities. But running into him got me thinking and asking God some hard questions.

Is this really the only way to date? If You’re God – with power over all things, my life included – why do I have to play stupid games with my heart and someone else’s in the name of finding the one?

I was nowhere near ready for what He shared.

Mary, you’re on one side of a field and you want to get to the other. But in between there’s a minefield. You can take your chances in the minefield; where many have been injured, hearts completely shattered. There’s no guarantee that you’ll make it to the other side, and if you do, that you’ll be in one piece. But there’s another option. What if I told you that when the time is right, I’ll send you a chopper to get you safely across? Would you wait for Me?

P.S.: God often speaks to me through analogies (because we love story-telling like that).

No brainer. I said yes. Almost immediately, He began to tell me about what kind of a man my future husband would be. Who our future children are going to be. It took 3 years for that chopper to finally show up and for us to start dating. 4 years later, here we are, married. Every specific detail about the Mister given to me long before we met proven true. God didn’t just give me what I thought I wanted in a man. He exceedingly, abundantly above anything I could think to ask or imagine gave me the man I needed.

Karomo, neither of us is perfect. Lord, if you only knew. Yes, we are right for each other. But perfect? Far from it – we are both a work in progress as individuals and as a couple. If we look put together on the surface, it’s a result of all the work we do behind closed doors. It’s a testament that God is still in the business of writing the best love stories every single day not just on the wedding day.

I’m saddened yet not surprised by how messy “Christian” dating is. I don’t know why we bother calling it Christian when it looks exactly like what everyone else is doing with the addition of a few hallelujahs and amens. Our ignorance is killing us.

We speak of Christian marriages but there’s so little said and taught about how to get there and stay there. I don’t know how we think bringing God into the periphery a few weeks to the wedding in the guise of pre-marital counseling and dumping Him immediately we’re done is going to help us. Is it a wonder so many Christian marriages are in shambles? Not even Christians can gamble themselves into the purpose of God. It’s an intentional journey.

We desperately need to bring God back into our love lives. We don’t need to run around like headless chicken with broken hearts when the Holy Spirit is a perfect guide. The minefield that the world goes through is a completely unnecessary risk for a Christian who has the Holy Spirit to guide them in all things.

Was He not the One who saw it fit to bring forth Eve out of Adam?

Didn’t He speak to Rebecca about Jacob and Esau while she was yet barren?

Did He not lead Ruth and Boaz to each other?

Didn’t He tell Mary about Jesus before she conceived?

Is it so far-fetched to believe that He can guide us on every detail – no matter how big or small – as far as our dating, marriage and family lives are concerned?

If there’s one thing I’ve come to appreciate about God it’s how anti-template He is. He tailors stories unique to every individual and every couple. An ode to how special each one of us is. So while some commonalities may exist, the differences are vast and beautiful.

I’m grateful for the discerning voices God is raising in our generation and cultural context to set the record straight. Our spiritual father, who is such a wonderful representation of the Father. Koki Oyuke, our dear friend. Ernest Wamboye. Wanjiru Kihusa. And the many many more out there, quietly and diligently bearing witness to God’s heart and mind for relationships.

It is possible to know whether a person is the perfect right one from the get go – before any commitment or investment that could end up hurting either or both of you is made. That chopper will only come for you when you’re good and ready, when your partner-to-be is good and ready, not a minute before.

God is not just capable but very much willing to guide you through this journey.

But are you willing to trust Him?

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to wait till He comes for you and leads you to her?

Are you willing to allow God to work in you and through you to perfect you both rather than expecting a perfect happy ending that only exists in the movies?

Trust and obey, Karomo.

For there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus.

But to trust and obey.