Marriage Bed

Chosen Not Cheated: Relationship Edition

Earlier this year, my girl – Koki Oyuke – published a book aptly titled: Chosen Not Cheated. This month, my posts are a tribute to her book (and life) message. More details on the book after the post.  

“Not denied, just in between floors.”

Koki Oyuke (Chosen Not Cheated – Chapter 8)

Romance is a billion-dollar industry. From the music to the books to the movies and everything in between, products and services that are believed to enable or enhance relationships.

I think this is because of the innate need and desire we have to love and be loved. Whether we want to admit or not, the numbers don’t lie. It’s not aliens spending all that money on matters relationship.

The premise of this industry is the promise of happiness and fulfillment in your relationship.

But if you’ve been reading this blog, then you know I write a lot about (God’s) purpose for relationships.

These two things – happiness and purpose – can often seem at odds with each other in conversations about God and relationships.

Christian relationships tend to get a bad reputation because of the notion that we have to choose between God’s will or happiness, because we can never both.  

Nothing could be further from the truth.

God chooses us for purpose in our relationships, but that doesn’t mean He’s cheated us out of joy.

The part we fail to see is all the ways our joy is intricately tied to and catered for in His purpose for us.

It’s difficult to trust God with your relationship status – whether you’re single, dating or married – if you don’t truly believe He has your best interests at heart.

It’s difficult to respect the boundaries He sets for you and heed the counsel He sends your way if you think He’s looking for a way to short change you.

This tug between purpose and fulfillment is not a new struggle for us as human beings. It’s been there from the very beginning with Adam and Eve in Eden.

Did God really say…?

Did God really mean…?

You will not die if you…

You will be like God and know good if you…

These age-old seeds of doubt have found their way into our hearts pining for love.

If God really loves me, He will instantly gratify my relationship needs and desires.

We’ve been lied to and in our ignorance and frustration we’ve accepted that lie.  

The lie that causes us to question God’s love for us in the first place, and then put conditions on that love in a bid to coerce God to prove its existence.

“Anything you don’t confront, will destroy you.”

Bishop John Gobanga

The issue isn’t that we have questions and doubts about how God will handle the relationship aspect of our lives. It’s what we do with those questions and doubts that makes the difference.

God loves you. It’s a truth you have to choose to believe. No one can believe it for you.

God wants the best for you. It’s a truth you have to choose to believe. No can believe it for you.

Whatever is keeping you from believing these truths, you need to address.

Because what the world and the romance industry hardly tells us is that relationships take work to work.

First, our relationship with God, which for us as Christians, serves as the foundation of every other relationship we have, including a romantic one.

Then our relationship with our future (for the single) or current (for the dating or married) partner.

There are no quick fixes and easy shortcuts.

Relationships take work. They’re a lifelong journey and it helps a ton to have the right company along for the ride.

So I encourage you to consider Koki’s book as a companion. In Chosen Not Cheated, she shares a lot about her relationship and marriage and how to practically journey in this area without losing sight of what matters; and how to find your way back should you lose yourself. From how God brought her and her husband, David, together, to planning a wedding while they were both jobless at the time, to clinging to faith through miscarriages. And a whole lot of laughter and adventures all through. The stories she shares are real and raw and they’ll give you a glimpse of what it means to pursue God’s purpose for relationship and marriage in the good, the bad and the ugly. If you’ve been looking for someone to hold your hand as you work through your doubts, fears and disappointments, get this book.

Book Blurb:

Chosen Not Cheated is a story about going back to the place where the light shone in your eyes. Back to the place where you feel weightless, and with your dreams within reach. It’s a story about becoming in the in-between, thin and hard places you find yourself in life. And it’s seeing for yourself, I mean really seeing for yourself, all the ways you’re chosen by God no matter how cheated you feel. This is about scars, journeys, and stories. Yours and mine. Chosen, not cheated.

Koki’s Chosen Not Cheated TV Interviews:

Chosen Not Cheated: Books & Blogs (KTN) – Part 1: & Part 2:

Why You Need To Read The Book Chosen Not Cheated: Full Circle with Joyce (Switch):

What It Means To Live Like One Who’s Chosen: Living With Ess (NTV):

Sample the book:

Read Chapter 1 on Amazon:

Listen to Chapter 1:

Buy the book:

From Amazon:

From Koki (if you live in Kenya):  MPESA Ksh. 1300 to Buy Goods No. 388 686 and await a WhatsApp message with further details.

Show some love to Koki:






Have you ever noticed that the word – compromise – is mostly made up of the word – promise?

Another fun fact: the prefix “com” means with/together/in association.

Preceding compromise is the promise of something.

Adam and Eve had been given Eden by God.

Esau had his inheritance as first born.

Saul had divine favour and support as king.

Compromise results as a departure from the original promise to an alternative promise.

For Adam and Eve, it was the promise to be more like God in their knowledge of good and evil.

For Esau, it was the promise of a bowl of stew that would satisfy his hunger.

For Saul, it was the promise that his sacrifice would be more pleasing to God than his obedience.

On the surface, none of these alternative promises look like a terrible thing. Until you consider the price that was paid for them.

Adam and Eve lost the life God had intended for them in Eden.

Esau lost his inheritance.

Saul lost God’s approval and favour on his life as king.

Not every promise is worth the price tag it comes with. Especially if it means settling for far less than what was rightfully yours.

As believers, we have a ton of promises from God through his written and spoken word. But these promises often require us to wait for their fulfillment. In this period of waiting, we are vulnerable to compromise. Because, let’s be honest, waiting for something we deeply desire to have can get rough.

On the flipside, being familiar with a promise already fulfilled can also leave us open to compromise. When we’re used to the idea of having something or enjoying something, we never stop to think that one bad decision could result in us losing it forever.

There are three root causes of compromise I want to delve into:

The fear of being short-changed by God.

Re: Adam and Eve

At the core of this fear, is a lack of complete trust in God in a particular area of your life. There may be some trust but there could also be some doubt mixed in there. This results in a dangerous cocktail of I’m kind of with God but I’m also kind of not sure He’ll come through for me so I need to have my own back.

Ergo, taking up an alternative promise that gives you the illusion of control over a situation.

Are there aspects of your life where you struggle to fully trust God’s intentions for you or His ability to provide for your needs and desires?

Can you trace back to when this fear first began? Was it something that happened or didn’t happen as expected? What truth of that situation does God want you to now see and understand?

The hunger of now.

Re: Esau

Long-term promises like inheritance require a lot of wisdom in stewardship. What works in one season, won’t necessarily work in the next.

This stewardship requires you to balance your present needs with your expectations for the future.

How do you feed today’s hunger without squandering tomorrow’s promise?

The Israelites had the future promise of Canaan as they journeyed through the wilderness. But they also needed their daily supply of manna to keep them going. It didn’t just fall on their plates though. They had to go out each day and collect it as per God’s instructions.

What manna is God providing you with daily to sustain the promises He’s given? What instructions has He given you about how that manna should be consumed?

The fallacy of good intentions.

Re: Saul

Saul outrightly disobeyed God with the aim of honouring Him in the process. When put this way, it’s clear there was something off about his plan all along.

Good intentions are inherently not a bad thing. But when we exalt our good intentions above God’s intentions for us in a matter, we’re essentially elevating ourselves above God. Our hearts saying – we know better than You do, God, and so we can do better than You can.

The root of this is pride. It takes humility to acknowledge that we don’t know best and God’s way could actually be better than our own. Especially when we can’t logically see the how at the time.

This pride becomes all the more dangerous because it separates us from God. We can’t attain to/sustain the original promise we have from God without God.

What areas of pride may be resident in your heart that are causing you to steward God’s promises your way instead of His way?

Good stewardship is not an automatic ability that some have and others don’t. We all start from ground zero and have to learn. With intentionality, it’s something we continually grow in and work towards. Mistakes can and will happen. Grace and restoration abounds. When you’re diligent in reminding yourself of what’s at stake, you won’t be as quick to jump onto a fleeting moment at the expense of your eternal destiny.