Marriage Bed

Chosen Not Cheated: Relationship Edition

Earlier this year, my girl – Koki Oyuke – published a book aptly titled: Chosen Not Cheated. This month, my posts are a tribute to her book (and life) message. More details on the book after the post.  

“Not denied, just in between floors.”

Koki Oyuke (Chosen Not Cheated – Chapter 8)

Romance is a billion-dollar industry. From the music to the books to the movies and everything in between, products and services that are believed to enable or enhance relationships.

I think this is because of the innate need and desire we have to love and be loved. Whether we want to admit or not, the numbers don’t lie. It’s not aliens spending all that money on matters relationship.

The premise of this industry is the promise of happiness and fulfillment in your relationship.

But if you’ve been reading this blog, then you know I write a lot about (God’s) purpose for relationships.

These two things – happiness and purpose – can often seem at odds with each other in conversations about God and relationships.

Christian relationships tend to get a bad reputation because of the notion that we have to choose between God’s will or happiness, because we can never both.  

Nothing could be further from the truth.

God chooses us for purpose in our relationships, but that doesn’t mean He’s cheated us out of joy.

The part we fail to see is all the ways our joy is intricately tied to and catered for in His purpose for us.

It’s difficult to trust God with your relationship status – whether you’re single, dating or married – if you don’t truly believe He has your best interests at heart.

It’s difficult to respect the boundaries He sets for you and heed the counsel He sends your way if you think He’s looking for a way to short change you.

This tug between purpose and fulfillment is not a new struggle for us as human beings. It’s been there from the very beginning with Adam and Eve in Eden.

Did God really say…?

Did God really mean…?

You will not die if you…

You will be like God and know good if you…

These age-old seeds of doubt have found their way into our hearts pining for love.

If God really loves me, He will instantly gratify my relationship needs and desires.

We’ve been lied to and in our ignorance and frustration we’ve accepted that lie.  

The lie that causes us to question God’s love for us in the first place, and then put conditions on that love in a bid to coerce God to prove its existence.

“Anything you don’t confront, will destroy you.”

Bishop John Gobanga

The issue isn’t that we have questions and doubts about how God will handle the relationship aspect of our lives. It’s what we do with those questions and doubts that makes the difference.

God loves you. It’s a truth you have to choose to believe. No one can believe it for you.

God wants the best for you. It’s a truth you have to choose to believe. No can believe it for you.

Whatever is keeping you from believing these truths, you need to address.

Because what the world and the romance industry hardly tells us is that relationships take work to work.

First, our relationship with God, which for us as Christians, serves as the foundation of every other relationship we have, including a romantic one.

Then our relationship with our future (for the single) or current (for the dating or married) partner.

There are no quick fixes and easy shortcuts.

Relationships take work. They’re a lifelong journey and it helps a ton to have the right company along for the ride.

So I encourage you to consider Koki’s book as a companion. In Chosen Not Cheated, she shares a lot about her relationship and marriage and how to practically journey in this area without losing sight of what matters; and how to find your way back should you lose yourself. From how God brought her and her husband, David, together, to planning a wedding while they were both jobless at the time, to clinging to faith through miscarriages. And a whole lot of laughter and adventures all through. The stories she shares are real and raw and they’ll give you a glimpse of what it means to pursue God’s purpose for relationship and marriage in the good, the bad and the ugly. If you’ve been looking for someone to hold your hand as you work through your doubts, fears and disappointments, get this book.

Book Blurb:

Chosen Not Cheated is a story about going back to the place where the light shone in your eyes. Back to the place where you feel weightless, and with your dreams within reach. It’s a story about becoming in the in-between, thin and hard places you find yourself in life. And it’s seeing for yourself, I mean really seeing for yourself, all the ways you’re chosen by God no matter how cheated you feel. This is about scars, journeys, and stories. Yours and mine. Chosen, not cheated.

Koki’s Chosen Not Cheated TV Interviews:

Chosen Not Cheated: Books & Blogs (KTN) – Part 1: & Part 2:

Why You Need To Read The Book Chosen Not Cheated: Full Circle with Joyce (Switch):

What It Means To Live Like One Who’s Chosen: Living With Ess (NTV):

Sample the book:

Read Chapter 1 on Amazon:

Listen to Chapter 1:

Buy the book:

From Amazon:

From Koki (if you live in Kenya):  MPESA Ksh. 1300 to Buy Goods No. 388 686 and await a WhatsApp message with further details.

Show some love to Koki:




Marriage Bed

Show Up For Your Now

Relationships are always full of transition.

Whether you’re loving your single years and learning to be in a relationship with yourself, or making the most of the dating years with your person, or figuring out that waiting in marriage is a reality you have to contend with on the regular.

Relationships are always full of transition.

So it’s ironic that we spend so much of our lives trying to get from one relationship status to another in a way that suggests that the next status is the ultimate one.

For the single, it becomes an exercise in matchmaking to find the one.

For the dating, life is reduced to a sprint to the altar.

For the married, there’s a never-ending marathon to keep up with the Joneses in everything from lifestyle to children to fancy online facades.

Here’s a healthy dose of the obvious: your next relationship status is not IT.

It’s not what will finally make you happy and fulfilled with your life.  

Far from it.

The equation is: Godliness + contentment = great gain and not: Godliness + great gain = contentment.

Rev. Sarah Muendo

The strongest chains are never the ones that others put on us, but rather the ones we place on ourselves. And I think discontentment is the biggest self-imposed prison of all. Because no matter how good you have it, it’s never enough. Worse still, you don’t even realize just how good you do have it.

Conversations about relationships typically put the burden of success (and failure) on the other person – the knight in shining armour who’s yet to show up, the prince charming who’s wooing you (or at least, supposed to be doing so), the ultimate king who wins your heart and keeps it.

Yet, the buck largely stops with us. What we choose to do with what we have, and what we don’t.

The work it takes to build successful relationships – with yourself and your partner – requires you to recognize the intrinsic value that exists to begin with.

If you don’t, you’ll end up tossing rocks away not realizing that with a bit of time and polishing you’d have gorgeous diamonds in your hands.

Your being single isn’t issue. Your devaluing your single years is.

Your dating relationship and your partner aren’t necessarily the issue. Chances are your outlook about your what you’re dating life is supposed to be is hindering you from seeing and appreciating all that it already abundantly is.

Your marriage and spouse aren’t necessarily the problem. If I had a megaphone and could only say one thing about marriage repeatedly, it’d be – give yourself permission to be where you are as a married person and as a married couple. It takes time to get the hang of things. It takes time to get better at married stuff. It takes time to learn to love one another better…and to find rest in the truth that the learning will never stop.

We can’t expect others to applaud our lives when we don’t even appreciate what we have right here, right now.

Who else will love your life – and the crazy, messy whirlwind it is – if not you?

Who else will love your dating relationship…and your partner – strengths, flaws and quirks– if not you?

Who else will love your marriage…and your spouse – silly conversations, difficult adulting decisions and everything mundane in between – if not you?

Don’t let a good life pass you by while you wait for a perfect one that will only ever exist in your imagination.

Show up for your now.